You know how when you leave a comment, most of the time under the comment box it says "Choose an Identity"? I'm gonna choose super-mom, okay? Cause that's the only way Essie and I are going to survive together.
I wish I could explain Essie to you, but no one would read a blog that long (even you wonderful ladies who read every word I write...) I'm not even sure I understand Essie... but let me share some stuff with you.
If you've read my blog for a while, you know that Essie & her dad have some pretty big issues. There's many reasons why, the least of which is I think he was disappointed she wasn't a boy, but they butt heads constantly. He has no patience with her, she pushes his buttons. He had no interest in doing anything she was interested in. He yelled at her. He got in her space. He once called her stupid. All of these are reasons why he no longer lives with us.
When Essie was younger, she was a Diva... a Leader... Self Confident and Proud. Slowly, the acidic drops that are his criticism and treatment of her, have worn those all away. Now she is timid, shy, backwards, emotional, and just seems quite unable to cope with most situations.
Another aspect to Essie is that she has extremely sensitive skin. She can't STAND to have anything constrictive on her. No jeans, no pants other than yoga/koolots type things, all shirts must have loose sleeves, no seeming or embroidery that would touch her skin on the inside. Now, imagine trying to get a child like this to wear a BRA. Yeah... I know.
Essie is 9 years old and weighs 122 pounds. That's my fault. She gained a lot of weight last summer when she was in California (like 20 pounds). Now, please keep in mind that she is 9 years old and is also 4 feet 11 inches tall. But she is definitely over-weight, and it's something I need to work on with her. But it's so hard for me. Having grown up over weight, I know the pain, but I don't EVER want her to think my love for her is in ANY way influenced by her size. ARGH!!!!!
Now, here's where you all get to give me your sage words of wisdom so I can become the Super Mom I have chosen as my identity. What do you do in this situation:
This morning Essie was a PILL about getting up. She didn't want to get dressed, she didn't want to brush her teeth, she was sure today was going to be a horrible day. She didn't want to eat breakfast. I told her she needed too, she said she wasn't hungry... I strongly encouraged her to eat breakfast. She said no. I listed breakfast choices, she finally picked toast. I then said "Would you like peanut butter on it" she said "Yes"... my mom heard her and to be helpful went ahead and made the toast with peanut butter. Essie came to the table and sat down "I didn't want peanut butter, I wanted Jelly" "No, hon, you said you wanted Peanut butter" "NO, I didn't" "yes, you did sweetie" "No I didn't!!!" "Essie, I asked if you wanted peanut butter, and you said yes" "NO I DIDN'T!" "Essie, why would Mimi have put peanut butter on your toast if she hadn't heard you say yes?" "I didn't say yes!!" "Essie, you said you wanted it, now it's time to eat it." "I don't want peanut butter."
OK... what do I do??? She said she wanted it, and now doesn't. It goes against everything in me to throw the pb toast away and get her jelly. And this is just an example of stuff that goes on all the time with her. She's very argumentative and I just don't know how to end it so that she's not "winning" every time.
HELP
Thursday, August 14, 2008
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28 comments:
I wish that I had the answer. I have a lot of the same problems with Henry. So if anyone does give you good advice, I will be right back here reading it with you!
This morning I had to talk Henry into getting ready and actually going to school AGAIN! I'm exhausted. I'm seriously thinking about going back to bed!
As for being Super Mom, you got me there. I'm not even a plain-ole mom yet. But I do HATE wasting, so I would say, slap some jelly on there with the peanut butter and eat it on up... If you don't want it for breakfast, you can take it as a sandwich for your lunch :)
Oh man, I just sounded like my mother!!! EEK!
Ok so since my two lovely boys have ADHD. I completely fill your pain.
My answer is a plan. Every night 20 mintues before their scheduled bed time we get out School clothes for the next day so this is not a problem and just in case something needs to be ironed.Then we talk about breakfast. The one rule is there is no changing once you have made your decsion the night before.
So if Jacob picks Cheerios and Calob picks CapnCrunch the cereal, the bowels and spoons are set out on the counter. So in the morning it is ready to go.
This helps us alot it may work for you too. I think it's a mattr of routine. We have to keep a staedy routine with the boys and be firm so they know this is how it works. And we've been doing it about a year now and it's no big deal anymore. They do it and it's done.
Hope this helps. Just give it a try.
I feel for you. I go through the EXACT same thing, two girls. Even with clothes.
I am no expert, have a LLLOOONNGG way to go myself, but here is where I will throw in my two pesos.
Kids are smart. They know how to get what they want and when we give into their demands, it reinforces their behavior. I have to say, "You told me yes when I asked if you wanted PB. I gave you PB. This is what you have to eat. Don't want it? Please then get up from the table and go get ready for school." Then, walk away. They will eat when hungry. I have done this with dinner too. I am not a short order cook and I want them to sit at family time and enjoy a meal together. Not fight over eating/not eating what is on the plate. I will not get into an argument with them. I make no big deal of it and usually, they will quietly start to nibble. I tell them it's fine if they don't like something but how much I appreciate them at least trying it.
My husband explained to them in a way they could understand. "You know how you can spend alot of time making a really nice picture for us, wanting it to look it's best? Well, mom does that when she makes us dinner. She wants us to eat what is good for us and wants it to taste good as well. She takes lots of time to shop for the food, make a meal for us, just like you taking time to make us a picture. Wouldn't you be upset if you brought mom an awesome picture and she said YUCK!?"
Sounds like maybe she's getting you to play into it with her. Maybe this is her anxiety with school starting. Maybe an attention thing. I have a six year old Diva that fights just to fight most of the time. She's my middle and I know alot of her antics are attention grabbers.
I suggest with the extra 20 pounds, you DO NOT focus on losing weight, but eating healthy. My aunt is 58 and still has problems from being treated like a kid that needed to diet. Focus on eating what is good for her body and don't ever mention her size. Our poor little girls have to grow up with so many unrealistic visuals of what is "healthy". Size does not matter in my book. A healthy body does.
Look into the Eat Clean Diet for families By Tosca Reno. Newly released. I think she has alot of sound advice after battling with her own kids to make healthy eating a natural lifestyle. She suggests getting the kids involved in shopping and preparing so they are proud ofthe end product. Essie will naturally drop the pounds and at the same time grow to love different foods. My kids generally will eat healthy, but still love the sugar and crap. We have already started the process, but I'm about to hammer down on my own with it.
I wish you lots of patience and luck my friend. Whatever you decide, know it will not be an easy thing to deal with. Consistency is key. I will be anxious to see how things transform.
Kori has great advice. Maybe given her a choice the night before when she's not tired and cranky and just a normal 9 yo might help.
I have so lived your life through my oldest. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you every day is all sunshine and roses now. If I did, you know I was lying, you're SuperMom. And N is still very, very, oh my gosh, very argumentative some days. He has that 'right fighter' in him too. He just can't stop arguing, he wants to make a point and make you see that he's right, whether he actually is or not. But, I will offer you this, and hope that it is true for you and Essie too. The very, very worst times with N started at the age Essie is now and went through 12 at the most. But as he got older things like this happened less and less. He'll be 15 in just over 2 weeks. He's still N. He's still argumentative. He's still so bullheaded. But it's easier. He's maturing and realizing that the things he does and says affect more than just him.
Essie will probably always have that streak about her. It's part of who she is. As frustrating as it is, you wouldn't want to take that from her. I know, like I said, I live it. (You probably remember some of the times I came crying to the board asking for HELP with him over the years LOL) But it really does get easier. It's all about finding your way to deal with her in a way that works for her, kwim? And some ways may be drastic. Again, you might remember us taking Nick's room away. He was 11. I think that was the first time we found something that really, really hit him and it helped. A lot. It took a lot of trial and error to get there. Each child is different.
(((((HUGS)))))
I can so feel your pain. My Michael has been gone from home for over 4 weeks (spending that time at my MIL's) and now that he is home he has been complaining about everything. I keep telling him, "Michael, there are 5 people in this house. You are one of the 5, but we have to work together and be willing to sacrifice or things will be crazy!" He is seven and very self-centered. I guess this may sound a little insensitive, but unless she is allergic to PB I would have made her eat it or go without. That's just me. Another thing you may want to do is just repeat and confirm what she says. I'm sure she said PB. Sometimes it's a manipulation to see if she can get you to do what she wants. I don't know your daughter, but if she is anything like my 3 wild ones, she knows just what she is doing.
As a mom, I am constantly questioning my decisions. I have to learn to be firm in what I say and believe in myself enough as a parent. I hope this helps. I hope it doesn't come across as abrasive. It's not meant to be. Inflection sometimes means everything of which we don't have the luxury.
I will pray for you, girl.
Is it time for her to make her own breakfast? Or is she still to young? (Sorry, I'm kinda clueless about the older kids.)
Well, in the way you explained it, it sounds like she was just trying to pick a fight. Specifically because MIMI was there and she wanted to be difficult. In those situations, I usually resolve to bring said item back later (make it a PB&J for lunch)and try again. Because I can always tell when the kids are in that 'mode' and nobody wins in that situation. Yeah, there are those days that it's a genuine "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that" tones - but when I can tell it's just to be difficult...it'll return later.
Itchy is my defiant, "I didn't say that" kiddo. He's only old enough to make himself two or three items for breakfast so I leave him with those as his only options. If he wants ME to fix something he has to ask me for it with all the details.
Cowboy knows it's a rule to eat breakfast...we're not feeding our stomach...we're feeding our brain so I don't care if you're hungry or not - fix something lighter if that's the case. He has choices of cereal, oatmeal, breakfast bars, fruit or frozen waffles/pancakes.
Oh goodness, girls! I have two that are 11 and 8 and I tell ya, I think they were put on this Earth to see how far they can push me! Seriously. I honestly believe that they do things like this because they know they will get away with it. I am no expert, but that's the way I see it. Mine would never act like that in front of their dad(who does not live here), they know better, but with me, they let loose. I have no advice(except for the fact that I would love to beat the crap out of them for pulling that...haha), but just know that you are not alone sister! :D
Oh my God!!! Me too! I have the same problem with my 4-year old!! 4!! Night is day. Black is white. PB is jelly. They are put here to test and push.
I agree with your commentators...tell her PB is what she asked for and if she doesn't like it, she will not eat. Period. No agrument. Just plain fact. Kids won't starve. Eventually, she will learn to eat what is given to her.
Im so sorry that you and your daughter have to go through this, i have no advice to give because I would be as lost as you in this situation. Reading it breaks my heart. All I can say is i will offer up a prayer to the Lord, in hopes that He will show you purpose.
I am sorry it has been so long since i visited....things have been crazy!!!
Honestly there's no easy answer with most of this parenting stuff. With the food thing for me she gets what I'm serving or she goes hungry. If I didn't do that she'd drive me nuts.
Have you seen my "Mean Mom" post? It's like you were reading my mind. We are not meant to be our kids' best friends; we are meant to be their mothers. It's such a hard line to walk, especially as a single parent, I'm sure. Has Essie ever seen a therapist? Harsh words from a father can mess up a girl forever...you were so right to get the heck away from that (guy). I loved Sassy Stephanie's advice...I'll be keeping that in mind at my house. Good luck.
Hmmm...I think I would let her make her toast herself then.
What do I know though....my child isn't old enough to do this himself yet. But when he is....he can do it himself if he's going to argue with me.
HMM MY kiddos are still 3 and 4 but they are pills too! I am having tons of parenting questions right now....I am so coming back to see all the answers your get! Yep that is what I am doing. I hope school went OK for her today.
Has E. started her period yet? If not, she is likely to do so very soon. Sounds like she has a lot of things going on; consistency, unconditional love, and your time are what she needs. Lots of times it is not about the peanut butter at all. You need to sit down and talk with her when you are not ready to throttle her over the peanut butter and see just how she is feeling. I found the best place to talk with a tween (somewhere between a little kid and a young adult) was in the car, just riding along where they didn't really have to "look" into your eyes if they didn't want to. She has issues with her dad, with her changing body, and probably just with life in general. I was the five foot, 106 pounder that started my period BEFORE everyone else at 10. It was hard, I am sure she is having a hard time getting boobs, etc. Have you tried those Barely There tops? They are great, my most recent experience with them has been with a mom with breast cancer but they give some support without being too confining. You can find them at Kohl's for great prices. I am now a grandmother and it isn't easy being a mom, especially a single one but hang in there so you can both come out the other side!
My son used to do that and I sat him down one day and explained that I was going to ask once, and the answer I got is it. And if the answer is no breakfast, then i'm not going to worry all day that you are hungry. If the answer is yes to peanut butter, then you get peanut butter and you need to eat it. It is a control issue. It sounds like Essie is trying to gain control over something in her life, so you might want to think of some things that she can decide for herself. Do you want peanut butter or jelly? Do you want the red book or the blue book. But once the decision is made, let her see that it isn't affecting YOU, and that the decision is final.
I literally just wrote a post about my (almost) 9 year old. You are not alone in this ...as other readers have commented as well.
Could my kid be peri-mentrual and I am peri-menopausal? It must be hormones, yeah - that's right! Poor Hubby.
I like the idea of talking to her about it when there's no conflict going on. That said, they will argue you into the ground that they didn't say what they said, so what she asked for should be it. There's a point at which it's too late to change her mind! As far as telling her she doesn't get anything else, it's a logical consequence for her choice and IME that kind of experience teaches kids better than telling them.
I am nowhere qualified to give you advice on something like this. But it looks like from your comments there are many others qualified to offer their pearls of wisdom and guidance.
I think sassy stephanie gave some of the best advice!
I will add my two cents about the weight. I also think you need to address as a liefestyle change and not as a weight issue. You know from experience that if she doesn't lose it now, as she heads into middle school it will be a nightmare. Kids are cruel. Does she play any sports? Is there anyway you all can incorporate going to workout together? A friend in FL does that with her kids, they all go to the Y together and work out for an hour, either swimming, treadmill or elliptical. Something to get them from in front of the TV or from lying around the house doing nothing. If the gym is not an option, maybe going for walks in the evening? Or bike rides?
Wow, I have no advice. I will be looking to you for advice in about 8 years when my little one is that age.
Heaven help both of us :-)
I just wrote about my 11 year old daughter. Going thru some stuff too. Just hang in there and know you are NOT alone!
Even after being a mom for 15 years, I still find myself faced with these situations and not knowing how to handle them.
Big Hug for you!!
Hang in there. My daughter was exhausting as a toddler, an Elem student, and the worst was Middle School. The past 2 years have been entirely different, she is turning into such a sweet girl. I really enjoy being around her.
My sis in law told me about birth order and girls in particular. Generally the oldest kid wants to be in control (especially if they're a girl), the middle kid is passive and agreeable for the most part, the youngest is wild. Yikes! That last part scares me! These descriptions fit my kids to a T!
Anyway, hang in there. Choose your battles...no what to let go of and what to stand firm on.
As for trying to eat healthier to help her lose weight, I'd say that's the way to do it. If the whole family makes changes (and gradually) it will become a way of life.
My sweet friend. I am late to this party and don't have anything to add other than to make a list of expectations for chores, routines, etc. including what you eat for breakfast, sit down with your girls letting them know what is expected, let them change it within in reason so that they have ownership in all of it, and be consistent in disciplining them when you are met with defiance or disobedience. I am so guilty of not following through, but when I do, I see that it is more effective. I will honestly pray for you. Honestly. You are a wonderful wonderful person and mother. And a SUPER DUPER MOM in my eyes.
You've gotten some lovely advice from mommies who know a whole lot more about this delightful age than I do. Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about ya and crossing my fingers that you all come through it fairly unscathed very soon. :-)
No advice, just some hugs from afar. This mom gig is hard.
I think you've already got some great advice about the conflict over the peanut butter... so I'm going to skip that.
But as for the weight stuff, I agree that it has to be done through lifestyle changes. Get her involved in a sport. YMCAs are great because all their programs are non-competitive and focus on sportsmaship and team work. City rec leagues are usually good too.
Perhaps try swimming lessons or a swim team? Swimming is a great workout, without feeling like a workout. And kids love to swim so they won't even know they're getting fit.
Go for long walks together as a family in the evening... or even just the two of you. It could be some great one-on-one time with her and may bring you guys even closer.
Provide healthier snack options... mini-flavored rice cakes instead of chips, sneak more veggies into your meals, cut out soda, etc. And be sure you do everything food-related as a family and without making a big deal about it. It will be good for all of you in the long run.
I don't have a 9 year old yet... my little guy is only three, but he is strong willed already. I see us tangling like this in the future!
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