It's not Wednesday, but this isn't really a rag... I'm not sure what it is... perhaps a rag against society or something? But I know I'm not quite ready to forgive yet, so I'm just going to go with what I got here. (Forgive me for the complete randomness of this blog)
My heart is aching for my daughters. Not because of their parents impending divorce (well, it aches because of that too, but...), not because money is so tight and I hate telling them no all the time (well, it aches because of that too...) Right now my heart aches for them because it seems that no matter how wonderful and beautiful they are on the inside, society is going to have its way with them sometime in the next ten years, and they are going to get the message that how they are on the outside isn't good enough. They are going to get the message that their hair needs to be be sleek and shiny and their complexions flawless and their bodies toned and slender with nary a ounce of cellulite or flab. They are going to go into fitting rooms and hate how everything looks on them because they won't look like the girls in the magazines and on tv. I hate that for them. I hate it because I've lived it. I've been overweight ever since elementary school. I was teased... I was told I was going to blow up... I was told that chairs I sat in were going to break. I didn't get asked to prom. I was the "fat jolly girl". I developed a great sense of humor, which I treasure now, but it's birth came as a form of protection. In college I was the girl the guys loved to be around but didn't want to date. My mom told me "men don't want to marry fat girls." I stopped going to amusement parks because my butt didn't fit in the rides. I hated movie theaters because the circulation to my butt was cut off by the arm rests. My world revolved around my fatness. It was all I thought about.
The day I turned 35, I had a bit of a mid-life-crisis. I stood looking at the mirror and I realized that other than my girls, I hated pretty much everything about my life. My job, my husband, where I lived and my body. I'll spare you all the details, but I took control of what I could, including my weight. I started eating less... and pounds dropped off... and off... and off... till I had lost 80 pounds. Now.. the kicker is that I'm still fat. I have a big butt, but it does fit in movie seats now. I have thunder thighs and more cellulite than... something that has a lot of cellulite.
But 2 things have happened.
#1 - I have decided that in order to properly serve my daughters, and hopefully negate some of the messages the world is hurling at them, I am going to go out and enjoy life with them. I'm going to go to the pool in my one-piece swimming suit and walk across that pool deck in front of the frat boys who live in my apartment complex with my thunder thighs jiggling and my HEAD HELD HIGH. I am an amazing woman. I have given birth to 2 children. I don't give a rats butt what anyone else thinks about me. I am beautiful. I am smart. I am funny. I am loyal. I am sexy. I am ME and I'm DAMN tired of apologizing for it.
#2 - I have realized that there is a difference between being "healthy" and being "skinny". I've stopped trying to be skinny. I've started trying to be healthy. I want to teach that to my daughters. I want them to learn to make wise choices about the food they put in their mouths, and about what they do with their bodies. But I also want it to be just part of life and not something they obsess about. I want them to grow up with their thoughts centered around how they can help someone else, or how to leave their mark on the world, not about how someone perceives their butt. Someone once said that confidence was most appealing to a man. (I don't want my girls to exist to find a man, but I do want them to know the passionate love of a wonderful man.) But I want them to be confident. No matter if they are a size 2 or 22, I want them to know that they are beautiful and wonderful and a treasure.
Ok... I'll put my soapbox away for now. But just this last thought. There's not much I can do about what messages the world sends to my daughters. But there's a great deal I can do about the messages I send to them. By loving myself, I hope they learn to love themselves.
Monday, July 7, 2008
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91 comments:
Just stopped by to say hello and will be back to catch up.....
Thanks for reminding that I need a bathing suit for the beach. And I will be jiggling all upon the sand with thunder thighs. I love my dimples even if they are all in the worng places. Haha you rock!
You have SO hit the nail on the head! I have a teenaged daughter who is going through what you mentioned, but she has one thing going for her...she can be a real b*tch, and really doesn't care what people think about her. She's so much stronger than I was at this age, and I'm glad for that.
I know these things of which you speak regarding bodies and swimsuits. I still have baby belly after almost seven years, and am heavier than I've been in my life. I'll do the same as you...hold my head high and walk across the deck to the pool (and realize that it's only MY children who are laughing at me.....)
Have I told you lately how much I love you??? Ü
Awesome post, Betchie. I can certainly relate. Society hasn't harmed Lexie too much because she is sure of herself and she genuinely likes who she is. I can only hope that I am able to foster the same kind of character & attitude in the Littles as they grow into young ladies.
You probably know that Lindsay is already the "fat, jolly" girl... and I worry for her. I don't want her to be picked on because of her weight. I don't want her to feel like there is something "wrong" with her because she is heavy. It is difficult to filter out those messages from society, but you are so right that there is a lot we can do as moms!
Love you!
Mel
Hey I just seen.
Cograts on the Saucy Blog.
That is an awesome lesson to teach your girls! And I agree that being healthy is what matters! Congrats on losing the 80 lbs!
I worry about the same things. I am the biggest that I have been in all of my life, including the third pregnancy. I do not even own a bathing suit, but I feel that by me being self-conscious of my body that I am teaching my girls to focus too much on theirs. They are only 2 and 4 but are built so differently. One is long-legged and lean and the other is short and rounder like me. One has no butt and the other got cursed with her mama's. I agree that I need to eat better and exercise to help them make it a part of their lives. Thanks!
PREACH ON, SISTER!!
I'm one who has battled her weight, for years. I've always viewed myself as huge. So of course when we view ourselves that way, we assume the world views us that way!!
Good for you for realizing how society is...before your children get caught up in this cruddy world!
Well said. And high time someone said it, too.
Bravo! You are fabulous!
Way to go!!
YOU GO GIRL! GREAT GREAT POST!
I think it's wonderful you're going to focus more on the being healthy part than the how you look or how much you weigh part. Good message!
I've struggled with weight too (haven't we all?!) and it's tough. People treat you differently. I loved your post, it was really great.
Good for you! Life is shouldn't be about what others think of us; it should be about what we think of ourselves. I went to the pool today, and am proud to say I wasn't the skinniest person on the pool deck. But I'm eating well, and I'm exercising. I love me for myself, and that's enough. If you have time, I've got a sweet giveaway starting tomorrow--that should put some spring in your step!
You go girl!!! Get that soapbox out any time because you obviously have lots of good stuff to share!!!
You go girl!!! Get that soapbox out any time because you obviously have lots of good stuff to share!!!
Great lessons for your girls HTL. My daughter loves to figure skate and it is so hard to be critical of the anti-female aspect of it without it seeming like I am diminishing her accomplishments as an athlete.
However, once again we have a women's sport where success is based solely on the evaluation of someone else. Gymnastics, diving, synchro swimming, cheerleading etc are all about how others "judge" you, and no matter how much they try to adjust the marking to be quantitative, it's still the same.
If little girls abandon "judged" sports and take up track and field, hockey, rugby etc, where success if based on goals, time or distance, they will think less about their value being "body" based.
And while I'm on the subject, why to beach volleyball women have to wear thongs and job bras, while men wear baggy shorts and shirts? Is wind resistance really an issue for women? I expect soon they will just compete wearing body paint.
The world is such a harsh place, especially for young girls. Even at 7, my little girl asks me if she looks fat. I die a little inside and we have a big talk about beauty and health and acceptance. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do when they're all teenagers.
This is such a timely post for me. I am suffering with my own weight issues and it has been crippling for me to be overweight. I have kind of dropped out of life because of it. I want to get control and feel healthy again. You inspire me!
Such an excellent post, thanks for sharing. I worry about this constantly for my daughter! I think it took being very pregnant last summer on vacation at the beach to push me to the point of just letting it all hang out and learning to be happy with my body. Your daughters are very lucky to have you as a role model.
You are my idol. Seriously. That was awesome. You are so stinkin funny and smart and yes you are BEAUTIFUL!
This is a beautiful post and I admire your determination to show your girls your strength and determination. There's nothing better than providing positive messages through role modeling.
BEAUTIFUL! I worry about my daughter and how others will see her. I worry that my boys will learn how to look at girls from the media (I constantly STRESS how the choices people make and how they behave are MORE important than looks).
Being healthy is oh so much better than skinny.
You go girl. I'll listen to you preach anytime.
Simply amen!
Amen SITSa, amen! What a wonderful entry.
A PERFECT post for an audience of moms. I am committed to my daughter never hearing me complain about my body. I will show her that it is the object of my respect and therefore modesty, but she will never hear the word fat come out of my mouth while I'm talking about myself.
You have brought tears to my eyes. That was so inspiring. You are truly an amazing woman and those girls are lucky you are their mom.
I'm a huge fan of Dove's real beauty campaign for the exact same reasons...I want my daughter to know she is beautiful regardless of what society thinks. At 9, she still runs around the house naked and loves her body. I pray she will continue that love throughout the rest of her life.
Thank you for a beautiful post and congrats again on the SITS feature.
So many times I was about to start a post like this and just didn't know how to do it without offending someone. But you did that and you made me feel better about myself at the same time. You go girl!
Oh yes, amen indeed!!! Great post and every word of it is right on!
I'm also a big girl. Aw, to heck with any euphemism - I'm fat. My kiddo is a beanpole (she's also adopted, so didn't inherit my personal tendencies towards Staypuft Marshmallow Man-ness). She's so thin that people ALWAYS comment on it - just yesterday, another mom at the playground where the kiddo was playing away said "They're gonna come after her to be a model, since she's SO thin" and this, as usual, was within earshot of the kiddo. She was too busy climbing something to be paying attention, but it is like a double-edged sword for me. On the one hand, I don't want her to obsess about how thin she is and may continue to be (the child eats me out of house and home, she just has one of those metabolisms I'd kill for...) and I don't want her hung up thanks to MY hang-ups about being big. So, I let her see me with it "all hanging out" despite how much I'd rather cover up and I try to reinforce that it doesn't matter how people look, that it's what's on the inside. I also try to focus on the healthy v. skinny or fat aspect, too.
*sigh* After growing up as the fat one in the family (I also was adopted, so didn't share my family's gene pool) in a house where my mom and both of my younger sisters have eating disorders, I know about body image issues. If I can raise my kiddo to not be obsessed with body image issues, I'll be a happy mom.
Wow, this is getting to be a novella length comment. Enough from me already!
Cheers and congrats on being the SITS blogger o' the day!
I love your soapbox and you are absolutely right! I have a little boy to raise and I want to make sure I raise him with the right values too. To appreciate people for who they are...not what they look like. There is so much more to people than first impressions...I hope I do everything as right as I can by him....because I can't control the rest of the world. It breaks my heart to think that anything or anyone would break his heart. So, I definitely want to teach him compassion...as I learn this myself.
What a great post!
Again, enjoy your SITS day....you deserve all the attention!
That was a great and perfectly worded post. Amen! You are soooo right. My heart aches for my daughter, who is a beautiful girl, but not a size zero. It's a rough road to travel as a teenage girl.
Thanks for making me think this morning.
Happy SITS day!
I think I love you! I have two daughters and I'm trying so hard to give them the right sense of what beauty really is. Good for you for loving yourself when you look in the mirror...that is no small feat - be proud of yourself!
That's a wonderful philosophy. I have two girl too, and growing up I was sooo insecure, I always wanted my daughters to be different. But it's hard for them. Being a teenage girl is rough, I would never want to do it again.
Congrats on the SITS feature, you have a great blog, a great sense of humor, and a great perspective.
Good for you. And your confidence will not only benefit your daughters; there's no telling how many other girls will see it and be affected.
Beautiful!
Happy SITS Day
Well said, 100% agree! You go gril!
Hap, Hap, Happy SITS Day to You.
I have the opposite problem. I was always TOO thin when I was younger. I felt like crap because I was constantly teased for it. Thankfully, I am more 'normal' sized now but it still hurt and to this day I am very self conscious about myself.
Good for you that you can be so confident now, I too work on that daily and it's refreshing :)
I am with you on this weight issue. I just want to be healthy. When I start to feel uncomfortable that's when I get on the scale and start to watch what I am eating more.
Self image is a very serious business with boys and girls. Modeling a good self-image will take your girls far.
This is a beautiful post. Thats what I have decided too. Healthy is what matters and that is what I want my kids to learn. You are a wonderful woman and should hold your head high.
HAPPY SITS DAY!! And I completely agree with you. HUGS and you most certainly are doing awesome. 80lbs is a lot to loose. Just since summer started I've lost 6lbs and I really want to get down to at least 145 but I'm not sure that's gonna happen. I just have to keep my chin up.
A beautiful post and really well put!!
Love this line:
"more cellulite than... something that has a lot of cellulite."
LOL! I think I'll make that the new description for my thighs.
And remember, the biggest influence in any childs life are their parents. By setting the example of loving yourself, they will follow suit. Sounds like you're well on your way to being a model of good self esteem.
I definitely think that our culture sends unhealthy messages to us and our children. We must fight against them, which of course means that we can't buy into them in the first place...
Thanks for the inspirational post. It is too easy to get caught up in what people think. I recently went through a similar revelation. I decided I had to start loving myself 1st.
Thanks, again.
Very inspiring post. Just so you know- I was the skinny little beanpole and while weight wasn't my issue (except the whole it's not fair crap you get from everyone) we ALL have our issues to deal with when it comes to fitting in and what others expect of you and it all boils down to loving yourself where you are no matter what anyone else says, thinks or does.
I think that my girls have very healthy self-esteem and if I've done nothing else for them as a parent, I feel like I've done a great job.
Bravo.... Great post. It's hard sometimes to love yourself the way you are. It's something I do not want to pass on to my DD. I want her to be confident in who she is. To not care what others think.
AMEN! What a great post and a wonderful gift you are giving to your daughters.
You made me cry like a sissy!
I am so glad to see you have come to the realization that skinny does not = healthy and beautiful. My aunt was like you growing up. She obsessed and eventually, seeing and living all of this, her own daughter became bulimic IN THE 7TH GRADE. It took that drastic and traumatic time in her life to finally see her true beauty.
Kudos to you.
What a great post!! It should be required reading for anyone with a daughter. I think that what you are passing on to them now is something that it takes a lot of women YEARS to learn!
Love this post... I was made fun of for being the tallest scrawniest kid in class... I was picked on hard core throughout my childhood... I expect my kids will get picked on too, and I hope I can teach them to rise above it.
I am so glad that I didn't miss this post! I know completely where you're coming from. I've spent a lifetime hating myself and the way that I look and am now trying really hard not to pass this destructive behavior on to my 2 precious daughters. It's a full time job in itself, but a really important one. Congrats to you on making changes for the better! You deserve to be happy! ;-)
What a wonderful post. Congratulations on the life changes. Man, this world is hard enough....you gotta learn to be happy in the skin you're in. Good for you for being such an awesome role model to your daughters. You GO girl!
very good outlook. i agree with so much of it but i haven't reached that place like you have. Since the last baby was born, i'm too embarrassed for my husband to see me naked, or to wear a bathing suit in public, etc. I'll get there though. :)
Thank you for such an inspirational post. With a mom like you, I'm sure your girls will grow up to be wonderful!
Great post...I'm pretty sure I read it when you first wrote it and I thought it was great then too. Sorry I didn't comment the first time! I agree with"me" in the above comment...(hmmmm, that sounds funny). But I think having a mindful mom like you is such a blessing for your girls!
I'm hoping the body image thing at least skips a generation, and with parents like you it just might!
Sigh. Great post. I'm going through something very similar with my eldest right now. It's so hard at this age. She's going to enter high school this year and I fear for her. She's beautiful, inside and out, but she's not the skinny, cheerleader Rah Rah type. So far, she seems to have a great handle on it but I'm a mom so I worry.
I admire you for having the foresight to know how to handle what your girls will face. Too many parents look the other way, not wanting to be bothered, or not knowing how to change things.
Keep rockin'. Your daughters will follow suit.
I have never really had a weight problem, but I remember my mother chanting things like "watch the size of those thighs materialize before my eyes." and "a moment on the lips, a life time on the hips" So I maybe I do have a problem in that I have probably been too aware of my weight. I make a concerted effort to not do that with my girls.
Wow!
The first part of this was hard for me to read. When my parents got a divorce, my mom got a job managing a dental office. She raised me and my three siblings through our selfish teenage years on the humble salary she made. Years later, at 20 years old, I got a fantastic job that paid me very well. I was stoked. However, when my mom found out what I was making, she told me that I was now making more than she had been making just a couple years before. It made me sick to think of the sacrifices she made to give me us four selfish teens the things we "had" to have meanwhile I was struggling to pay all my bills on time with the same amount of pay. So hearing you talk about being tight on money, just reminds me of how great mothers are and how much I appreciate mine.
Second, I think that your outlook on life is incredible. I think we could all learn something from you. I agree though, it is ALL about health.
AMEN SISTER!!!!
You have put it so well. I have been over weight since late in elementary and have hated my body ever since.
My teenage daughter is the polar opposite from me in that she is a size 0 and has been for so long. I tell her not to bank on it being that way her whole life. She has actually decided to start eating better and exercising because she knows one day it could all change.
She figured that out all on her own. She tries even harder to take care of her mom.
I hope I can learn and take away with me a lot from this post.
Thanks!!!!!!
Please, please, please keep this frame of mind! I was a size 18 for god knows how long and I hated myself. I never said it outloud in front of my girls but I KNOW they could tell because of the attitude I projected. I then got sick and was put on a medication that made me even sicker. In the end I lost over 80 pounds and was down to my current size between a 4 and 6. While it is never good to lose so much so fast because you are still left with the skin overhang and the guilt of "feeling" fat, it is good to get rid of the weight. I still struggle with the FEELINGS of that size 18 even though I am not that size anymore. I am afraid that I will get back to that size one of these days. I LOVE LOVE LOVE food. I would not give it up for anything. Sure, I eat healthier since getting sick, but that heaviness is still in the back of my mind. I commend you for having the confidence you do. Congrats again on your SITS day!
Just hurry up - because at a certain age (varies by girl) they stop listening to you. Good luck, and way to go on the weight loss! Oh. I mean, on the healthier bod...
Great post!!
Amen, sister!
What a wonderful post. I have also struggled with body image. It's something I'm working on. I definitely do not want to pass that on to my daughter - I want her to know that she is beautiful and special, no matter what anyone else thinks! Thanks for the reminder that I should learn to love myself if I want her to learn to love herself.
Wonderful post! I am doing my best to love myself and try to be healthy, rather than criticizing my flaws. You are a great writer. You really captured a lot of my feelings. You are amazing and beautiful.
Very well said. I've always struggled with my self confidence and I can see how it's affecting my daughters. I'm working on changing that!
Fabulous post! I love soapbox talks. :o)
::::::::::::::stomping my feet::::::::::::::::::: Yes woman!!!!!!!!! You've hit the nail on the head! Or should I say the hail on the nead? I too am a size 28 fatty, but I can still see myself as being beautiful and sexy. I don't get this from my husband at all so I've had to convince myself to feel this way. I'm smart, I'm funny, and gosh darnit, people like me!
As for my daughters, so far they're both skinny as twigs, and I hope they stay that way so they don't have to go through those horrible trials and tribulations. Lucky for me, I didn't get truly fat until I was a grown adult.
Justine :o )
been there...done that...and AMEN! sister!!!!!
congrats on being the FB for today!
Hey- sharing your goals based on a wonderful epiphany earned by a lifetime of life's lessons, is not getting on a soapbox. It's doing a favor.
And thanks for that.
perfect! in every way!
I put on a size 16 bathing suit and hang out at the pool with my kids all the time.....yes, it pains me, but I want them to have a realistic look at what beauty is.......and it ain't necessarily a size 2.
So let's hang out at the pool together sometime!!
Happy Sits day!
I hear ya. Weight wasn't my problem, but society has many reasons it shuns people or rejects them. Best of luck to you in giving that wonderful message to your girls.
I hope and I pray that I can do the same for my own.
Wow....very awesome post. Whenever I go on the treadmill I tell my son I am going on so I can feel healthy!! You're so right - it's not about being skinny, just feeling healthy!!!!
Glad to hear a mom giving her self and her daughter an awesome message!
I am crying right now. Thank you so much for writing this post - the innernets need more of this kind of message being sent out.
As someone who has struggled with being even just a little overweight the last few years. Who battles everyday to overcome the urge to sink back into my previous eating disorder habits. I truly want to thank you for touching my heart and buffering my soul for my daily battle with the mirror.
I work with middle school girls and try my hardest to instill this same mentality in themn.
Yeeee-Haw!
I'm standing in the bleachers, cheering and waving a big banner.
Now this is a manifesto to live by!
Congrats to you on all of it... finding what makes you happy and not letting other people hold you back from doing what you want to and should be doing. And I hope that your daughters take your message to heart!
That was truly beautiful. I have a daughter and I have struggled with eating disorders my whole life..I've been bulimic, tried anorexia but I like to eat to much so that didn't work and now at 36 I still suffer from body dysmorphic disorder....basically, I always see myself as fat. I am working on just being healthy though and loving me for me...my hubby loves me, my family loves me, my children love me...I need to love me just the way I am. This post was fabulous...Happy SITS day!
I am clapping! What a wonderful message to pass on to your daughters. Women are pushed and pushed to be perfect on the outside and who can actually be perfect?
I am a bit envious of your confidence. My body is recovering (or so it blame it on) from having three children. I played tennis in college and now having three children, one disabled,I cannot find the time to work out. I married into an obsessively fit and thin family. We have a family vacation coming up. I am a confident person but put me in a bathing suit and it is stripped away quickly. One of these days I am just going to shake it in their face! I mean, I will walk by them with confidence.
You are passing down a wonderful message to your daughters--not just in the things you tell them but the way you take care of yourself and enjoy life! Looking at my daughter, I don't think she'll have a weight problem any time soon, but body image is an issue for all women in this society, unfortunately. I hope I can help her continue to feel as comfortable in her own skin as possible.
Well said. I hate that I hate the way I look.
You go girl! I think to love ones self is a hard thing to do... so your confidence in yourself is awesome!
You are the Sauciest EVERY! I love your voice. You can speak for all us "not perfect in the world's view" gals. Your daughters are blessed to have you as their mother. They are learning important lessons from you. Keep it up, girl.
You go girl, you can get on your soap box anytime!
You have the right idea!
Your girls are very lucky to have you for there mother.
I agree society makes us all feel like everyone is always looking & judging us and we feel that we never measure up.
I'm trying really hard to be ok with who I am in this moment.
Thank you for your story.
This was amazing. Here it is 11:15 pm on the day of your Queen for a day. I am SO glad that I made it for this post. I am living some of what you are referring to, or more appropriately, NOT living. My weight is as high as it has ever been and I have shut down in a way. Thank you for the nudge. I am going to take your words to heart.
Jen
I won't claim to be that overweight, but I am stretching into the next size lately, and I've always been ashamed of my body, so I, too, have made an effort to show my daughter healthy body image. Even though it freaks me out, I don't hide my body when I'm in the shower and she comes in; I pretend that I'm perfectly content with myself, and she has fortunately followed suit. I love breaking the cycle of self-hate.
i loved entering my 30's too. It really was like an awakening that I am sooooo tired of being everything for everyone else. Not that I've taken to picking my nose in public or anything---but if I want to go to Wal Mart in my pajamas at noon, I'm going to go :)!
I'm so happy you've come to be comfortable with who you are.
I want to recommend an amazing website you might want to show your daughters. It's all about photoshopping, and you can look at pictures of celeb.s before and after they got airbrushed into perfection. It's www.iwanexstudio.com. Click on gallery, then control the pictures before and after by moving your mouse off and on it. It really opened my eyes!
Best of everything to you and your girls!
I think it is so sweet to see my 4-year-old daughter smile contentedly at her reflection in the mirror, sigh and say, "I look so beautiful." Although I don't want her to be conceited or looks-obsessed, I think it is sad that our culture does not approve of people being content with their appearance. It seems more socially acceptable to be discontent and self-loathing. Isn't that tragic?
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