Not Good Enough

I'm addicted to several things. Diet Mt. Dew, Downton Abbey, taking pictures of my kids, Pinterest, and pizza rolls, to name a few.

One of the things I like to do is look for photography tricks so when I take pictures of my kids, they look awesome. And I keep running into tutorials about "how to make eyes look brigther, bigger, more intense, etc" and other ways to make pictures of your kids look better.

And then I read articles about people railing against magazines that use photoshop to make models look better and how horrible that is and how it's effecting little girl's self images.

But then... are we any better? Are my kids REALLY not cute enough as they are? Do I really need to enhance their eyes and cover their blemishes and remove their moles and whiten their smiles and all that?? Am I leaving an accurate portrait of my kids, or what I "wish" them to be? Cause really... they couldn't be any cuter or sweeter or more perfectly who they are....

what do you think? (About doctoring images of your own kids... I already know you think my kids are cute)

Yeah, sure... right

So how many people start the New Year thinking "Oooo... I'll get back to blogging." And then about 3 posts later you never hear from them again.

There's an outside chance that will be me. One never knows.

But today... today my kids are back in school. Gert is home already, buckling down to getting her homework done. Essie should be home in less than an hour. Mr. B is picking up Bert and Ernie as we speak since it's our night to have them here. And my mom is still here. Busy house.

Loud house.

I got my library card last week. I can now get books, and so I did. Just finished one today - "History of a Suicide: My Sister's Unfinished Life" by Jill Bialosky. I thought, you know, I'd start the year on a light note. Ha.

The book is, as it seems, a story about the authors sister's life, and suicide, and her trying to make sense of it all. She used a lot of poetry and deep works of literature in her book, and maybe it was because of the subject, but I found myself quite sad that I've never really "gotten" poetry... at least not beyond really Dr. Suess. I've read quite a bit of poetry, but I never seem to gather much from it. Am I shallow? Am I a simpleton?

I picked the book because my life has been skimmed by suicide. In 1988 my step-mom's nephew, Tim, killed himself. He was 21, popular, cute, well-liked, revered, adored.... he came home from college on Christmas break, stole a radio from a car, got put in jail overnight, got out the next day (Christmas Eve) and Christmas morning his mom found him dead in the machine shed. What?

And then more recently. I got a phone call from Essie's school. The counselor needed me to come to school right away. I got there and Essie was in her office. The counselor said that Essie's art teacher had been concerned about some sketches Essie had done, and then over-heard a conversation Essie was having with a friend, talking about wanting to kill herself.

What?

Fortunately the counselor didn't think she was TOO serious, since her plan to kill herself was to drive over the edge of the Grand Canyon. But how could my beautiful baby not want to be here anymore. Why does 13 have to be so hard.

We went to see someone to have her evaluated, and she's not really considered "a danger to herself" but clearly my baby's heart is hurting. We've talked a lot. We've cried. We're still dealing.

Pictures

Today....

Seems like a good day to get married.

I think I will.

Patriotism Runs In My Blood

I have in my possession, a letter written by John B. Taylor in 1861. It was written to his mother and recorded his thoughts about enlisting in the Union forces of the Civil War. For the longest time I wasn't sure where Mr. Taylor fit into my family tree, but thanks to some work online, I've found that he is my 2nd great grand uncle (my great-great grandmother's brother). There were 10 kids in their family - 3 boys, 7 girls. All 3 boys died in the Civil war - within 6 months of each other. Can you imagine?

Here's the text of the letter... I find it beautiful.

Dear Mother,

Once again I seat myself to Send you a line, probably the last you will receive from this place – As I have Some thought of Enlisting in the army if my Service will be needed although I am not certain but all the comp’s will be filled before I have the chance of handing in my name as one who will be ready to go – to fight my Country’s battles. Tomorrow Evening a meeting will be held in Port Byron to determine what shall be done in the present Crisis by the Citizens of this place – and if the companies are not all filled I for one Shall go but if my Services are not needed at present it is quite likely that ere long another call will be issues – when I will not be so dilatory but will be among the first to enlist.

I am well aware with what feelings you will peruse this – yet I pray you not to think hard – it is a duty devolving upon every man Capable of beating arms to hold himself in readiness, to, at once, attend his Country’s call and therefore I enjoin upon you not to take yourself any Trouble on my account as I go with my Eyes open – well knowing the dangers to which I will be Subject and well knowing that the chances are a thousand to one against me, a thousand to one that I will not live through the first battle – yet – I pray you to remember that – Death is the Common lot of all men; and and that it matters but little where, how or when a man dies, if he but die honorable, and again if I die young I will not be Subject – to the Trials that otherwise I will have to encounter.

But again dear Mother, let me ask you not to think hard of my going_____

“Weep not for me”

You have other at home who demand your care and attention – see to them and Suffer me to take care of myself, and console yourself with the thought that I am but doing my duty – Traitors and Disunionists are endeavoring to tear down that Liberty, that freedom, for which our fore-fathers fought, bled and died. And it is now the duty of every true American to lay down his life in defense of his country; and all both young and old should aid in putting down disunion and succession principles where ever they may be expressed whether in north or south, whether in East or West? And every mother Should enjoin her sons to Cultivate a Spirit of Patriotism for in times like these:

Patriotism should reign supreme,
In every matrons bosom rest
And every Child with a love of country, teem
Drawn from its mother’s breast

But I will say something of the doings of this place – A few days ago a person was advocating Secession and disunion when some of the Union loving men took them in hands and were about Stringing them up to the nearest tree – and by so doing have silenced him as well as one or two others who advocated the Same doctrine. But having no time to write more at present I close for the present.

Yours Ever
John B. Taylor
Apr 21 (?) 1861

Not Too Easy

Because God has a wicked sense of humor.

Mr. B found out a couple weeks ago that he's being laid off at the end of September.

He gets some severance.

But not just a ton.

We're on our knees praying for opportunity.

Please join us.

My Life Is Going to Change for the Awesome

BIG day today.

Today was the day we told the boys, Bert & Ernie, that their dad and I are getting married. We hadn't told them yet just because we wanted things to be pretty settled and have time when we had a lot of time to spend with them after telling.

We spent the day running here and there, including the boys first trip to IKEA. They loved it (which means I can keep them) and we just had fun. On the way home they started asking about how long we've been dating and things like that (this was before we even told them we are getting married). Ernie talked about his mom and asked me a REALLY hard question. "How did you feel when my parents got divorced?" I gulped and said, "Well, Ernie, that's a tough one." And before I could finish the sentence he said "I bet you were happy because my dad wasn't married anymore, but sad because it makes you sad when anybody gets divorced." Um... yeah... he's 9 going on 90. AMAZING!!!!

We took them out for dessert tonight and as we were sitting there, Mr. B said "Boys, we have something we want to tell you." And Ernie blurts out "You're getting married!!!?" Um... YEP. Good call!

They both were SO excited. Bert had me hold his ice cream so he could do a happy dance in his wheel chair. Ernie was also really excited, though he broke my heart when he said "Finally I'll have a mom who doesn't yell!"

All the way home they were full of questions about the wedding and living arrangements and all those good things. I shared with them that I'm not a fan of the "step" terms and prefer "bonus-mom" and "bonus-sons" and it was cute because they both lit up and said "Hey! We like that better too!!!"

As we pulled into the driveway, Ernie jumped out of the car, but Bert was waiting for his dad to lift him out. I looked back at Bert and he said "Man.. my life is going to change for the Awesome!"

The 4 of us watched the Georgia/Boise game and had so much fun, interspersed with more questions and a 'What should I call you?" from Ernie.

Then the boys headed to bed before I came home, and they both asked for me to come tuck them in. I tucked Ernie in and said "I'm so exited for you to be my bonus-son.!" And he said, "I'm so excited for you to be my bonus-mom!!!!" And when I tucked Bert in, he said again "I can't believe how much my life is going to change."

I was hoping that the boys would take the news well. Preparing myself for them NOT to, and was BLOWN away by the reaction and happiness I got!!!

WOW.

My life if going to change for the Awesome!!!