Traditional - Woman meets man, woman falls in love with man, woman tells man she loves him, women tells man the best day in her life was the day they met, woman tells man he means everything to her, woman tells man he has her whole heart, woman tells man she loves him more than anything in the world, woman marries man, woman and man have children, woman loves man and children all in different but equal ways.
Non-Traditional (ie - 2nd marriage/relationship) woman meets man, woman falls in love with man, woman tells man she loves him, woman wants to tell man the the day they met was the best day of her life - but feels guilty about what that says about the days her children were born, woman wants to tell man he means everything to her - but what does that say about her children, woman wants to tell man he has her whole heart - but what part of her heart do her children have, woman want to tell man she loves him more than anything in the world - but feels she needs to add the caveat "other than my kids", woman marries man (or at least hopes to)
This is HARD y'all. Feeling like a traitor to your kids when you try to express to someone what they mean to you. My head knows that we're talking 2 very different kinds of love, 2 very different types of relationships...
How does this work in a second relationship? How do we express the deapth of our emotion without betraying our kids (or at least FEELING like we are, because we know we're not)?
Anyone been down this road before and have some sage advice?
Friday, October 10, 2008
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25 comments:
Oh my, woman! We are going down the same road TOGETHER on this one. I can not even begin what I have to say in a comment. YOu will be getting an email from me! Soon!
I have been down this same road at this same place. Jacob was 4 and Calob was 15 months old when I met Richard and fell head over heels in love with him.
Just tell him how you feel and don't fret over putting him above the children. You're really not doing that and besides Mr. B is so wonderful he knows your love for him is different than that for your girls.
Kids first, men second. That's how I roll but heck, every relationship is different and you'll do the right thing :)
I have never been down that road but my sister has 3 times. Just talk to your kids and tell them how much you love them but there is several different kinds of love. The Love you have for your children can never be replaced by any kind of love. You have friendship love and then you have the love for you mate. I would just sit with them a explain to them all the different kinds. Thanks for sharing -- Hope it works out -- Much Love
Anissa
I havn't reached this point yet and probably won't for some time. To me, when I meet THE man, it'd be the best day of my life because he'd complete and compliment myself and little family, he'd mean everything to me because if heaven forbid something happens to me, his/our love would mean that he'd be willing, able and trustworthy to tend to the children. He'd have her whole heart because she trusts him with not just her life but the lives of her children. So to me, the way I see it. The children are always first. The man just comes in to fill in the gaps. I'd have to love him enough to allow him to love me AND the kids.
Like you were saying, it's 2 different loves but the 2nd is because you trust him with the 1st. So the kids are always the 1st love.
Again I'm no where close to this part of my life, so does it make sense??
I've been there and at the beginning I did not do it right. I was so excited about my new love that my daughter felt left out. Both my new love and I had to realize that she needed to know she was still my first love and that didn't take anything away from how I felt about him. After a rough spot we became a blended family with equal love for everyone.
I haven't been down this exact road but I believe the opposite of what others say...husband first, kids second. (Please y'all--no hate mails.) And I know Mr. B's not your husband YET, nor the father of your daughters, so your situation is different.
It's OK to love them equally...but differently. You are not betraying any of them.
I will always be a wife...I will be with my man until the day I (or he) dies. But I won't always be with my daughters. One day they will grow into young ladies, leave home, and start a life of their own. My active mothering career will be over. I'll always be a mother, but not as I am now. And if I place all my love and time into my girls, what will I have to give my husband once it's just the two of us?
I love my girls and my husband equally...but the point is I'll be a wife much, much longer than I'll be a mother. (An actively parenting mother, I mean.) My girls know the order in our house...God, Daddy, them.
But that's just me. Hey, you asked.
Well, my sweet, sweet, Lizzy...
I don't have the answer for your there...
BUT, I do know that Mr. T. and I have talked about the day our child is born, and that it will most likely replace our wedding day as the happiest day of our lives.
Love has so many different levels, and that's okay.
...This is my only explanation :)
My husband is my second try at romantic love. When we got together, I talked about liking the direction that my life has taken since he has been in it.
Wowee! Well, I haven't been there. So I should just quit now.
BUT--I thought Lula was brave and wise.
AND--I don't think that you have a container of love that is finite and has to be divvied up. It's not like there is love that you want to give away to one but better keep for the other. Love all with abandon to all, I say--there will be enough, God will see to that. That being said, time and effort must be prioritized. Mr. B understands this. Gert and Essie do not. But that does not make them parenting experts. They do not have to like your choices. Your relationship with Mr. B is good for them in ways they will not understand for a long time. You are are a good thinker, Lizzy. If you are indeed on the journey to the hot tub, invest wisely and passionately in this relationship. It will be good for everyone.
I have no helpful tips since I am not in your situation, but I think it's awesome that you're thinking about your relationship with Mr. B. and how y'all will blend your lives together. I know it will all work out!
I completely and totally agree with Lula. Kids should not be the center of a family.
And you say your head knows that it's a different kind of love - and it is. Mr. B has kids - he knows that, too.
I have been down this road before, and I think that it will be a non-issue. Those thoughts are what "you" are thinking and fretting about. I think you can say those things to "Mr.B" and he will know what you mean without questioning it.No qualifications necessary. "I love you with all my heart" means just that."You have my whole heart" said between a man and a woman means you only have eyes for him.
You should not feel like a traitor to your children. Good solid love between you and a companion is a wonderful example for your children.And as you said, it is a different love. I'm sure they want you to be happy, and when they get to see the joy that this man brings you, they will love him too!
I've never been in this situation, but a wise man (Dr. Dobson) wrote that your spouse comes first, children second. Your children are watching (and taking mental notes, whether they know it or not) about how you interact with your spouse. Your relationship with that person reflects how they will treat their future spouse(s). It will also teach them how to treat your spouse. If you respect, love and honor that person, they will too. But, if you're constantly putting them down, mistreating them, etc., you really can't expect your children to respect that person.
I'm rambling. Does it make sense? Hope so. Good luck! :)
I've got it! Your heart has 4 chambers, one for EVERYONE :)
Kids first!! lol My husband knows it too. He is my second husband and he knows I love him, but my kids come before him.
Wow. I don't envy you one bit. I have no idea what you are going through (and truly hope I never do).
(((hugs))) You will make it through and all will go well. You're a fantastic person and everyone around you will see that.
Oh Lizzy...that's a hard one. My dear friend irl is going through this very same thing right now. Her "male friend" of 3 years just asked her to marry him and she is panicked. She loves him with all of her heart but is now worrying about how her children will feel...they of course love him and I know they will all figure it out as will you. True love knows no limits and I'm sure that Mr. B will know what you mean....you can love them all, just in different ways. He's your favorite "boy" and they are your favorite "girls".
I don't have any advice. But I grew up with a very unhappy mom and I can tell you that the greatest love you can show your girls is to be happy. If he makes you happy then the girls will be happy and feel VERY loved.
I'm in the same spot, hon. Remember? And I agree with Lula. Mr B neeeeeeeeds to know the depth of your love for him. T
he two of you will be a team in raising your kids and your kids deserve to have a mom & step dad who are totally and completely head over heels in love ... for the RIGHT reasons this time! Ü
The love you feel for your future husband in no way diminishes the kind of unconditional love you have for the ladies. They will only reap the benefits from a mom & step dad who are loving, strong and supportive of eachother.
Lizzy, this is your big sister here. You aren't betraying them at all. GET.RID.OF.THAT.GUILT. I repeat you aren't betraying your kids. You love them and they have your heart. You love Mr. B and he has your heart. Be thankful that you have enough heart to go around because you do. The love is different and it's okay to tell him the things you are telling him. It doesn't lessen the way you feel about your kids or how they feel about the way you love them. You deserve to be happy. Don't go looking for things to stress about. Especially semantics. Please resume your love affair. Ok?
Oh, that's brutal. I have no advice, but you do have my sympathies!
Thanks for stopping by my blog!! Please come again!
I have surely been down that road and if the relationship is positive, then it will have a positive effect on the girls and will be a great thing! You never have to tell them or Mr B that either is the best thing ever. They are all the best things in different ways and you can all enjoy the good times together!
I'm lucky in the fact that my husband feels the same way as I do. His girls come first, my boys come first...then WE are next.
I've always been so confused, I know in the bible it says to put the spouse first, then the kids, but I've asked this question over and over...what if your kids came before your spouse, like in our cases? I know that God and I will be discussing this at length someday;) I just cannot put my husband before my boys...nor would he expect me to!
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