Thoughts.....

I have 2 beautiful girls.... Essie and Gert. Last night we watched American Idol together, and tonight we watched the first night of So You Think You Can Dance. In the the middle of SYTYCD, Gert got on the floor and began imitating the moves she was seeing on the tv.... "watch me mommy... watch me mommy"... and she danced and twirled and was free and uninhibited and in her mind she was the greatest dancer... EVER. A little while later she crawled into my lap with a piece of paper and a pen and asked me what she she draw. I thought for a moment and then replied "Why don't you draw what you want to be when you grow up."

Here's what she drew:

Need some help?

On the left, that's being an author. The middle is a dancer and on the right is being a singer. I told her those were beautiful choices, and she asked "But how can I do all of them?"

yeah... I could have gotten all practical with her... I could have told her she'd have to pick one. But I said "You can write in the morning, dance in the afternoon and sing in the evenings" I just didn't have the heart to pull her back down to earth.

She then went to show her sister her picture, and Essie pretty much blew her off with a cursory "Whatever Gert"... not even giving the picture a first glance, let alone a second. I saw Gert's shoulder's droop, and she walked away. She sat down with her picture and added something. When she finished she brought it over to me and showed me next to the picture of her singing, she'd added some words. She told me "I'm also going to write songs, and one of them is going to be called "Love Me,Essie"

As a mom (with PMS which never helps) my heart just broke that moment. Here was this precious little girl, who not 5 minutes prior thought she was on top of the world, now desperately trying to gain the approval and recognition of her sister.

And I thought... how many more times in life will she experience that? How many times have I? How many times have I tried to make my mom happy? How many times have I not told my Dad the truth about my feelings so that I wouldn't hurt him? How many times did I give someone my best sticker in hopes that they would like me? How many times have I planned out a whole conversation with someone, anticipating their responses and making sure that I got them to the point where they were happy... and would love me. How many boys did I let go too far in an effort to make them love me? How many times did I get married to someone I wasn't in love with, just because they were "in love" with me (Ok - that one only once) How many times did I sit in front of a blank screen and think I MUST post a funny blog and have 50 comments?

I know the answer... WAY too many times... to all of them. 

I've stopped twirling with my eyes closed. I've stopped standing on my coffee table and singing at the top of my lungs into my hair brush. I've started watching the crowd... do they look happy? Do they like my dance? Oh... that lady... she just frowned... what did I do that she didn't like? Did I twirl when I should have leaped? Did I hit a clunker note?? Am I not a package artist?

You know what? I'm not... I'm not a package artist. I don't have all the pieces. I have me... Just me. Me the mom. Me the daughter... Me the sister... me the employee... me the friend... Me the girlfriend. The me who loves as much as I can, but who has to stop craving it in return.

I can't write songs to make people love me.

I have to close my eyes and twirl.... sometimes I'll lose my balance and fall over - and I'll be SO thankful for wonderful friends and Mr. B who will help pick me up....sometimes I'll probably spin so much I make myself sick... but sometimes maybe I'll just feel free... to be who I am... and not care who's looking on. And the funny thing is, I think when I do that, when I finally DO open my eyes, I will see the ones I love the most, standing there, applauding.

So... my precious Gert... close your eyes and twirl... and sing... and write baby... for YOU.

(curious about the music? It's the music I twirled to when I was little)