In 1997 I met a guy online. He was a nice guy. Lived about 17 hours away. Was 4 years older than me. Then one night he confessed... he was really 14 years older than me. Then... when I went to visit him one time I saw his drivers license. He was really 24 years older than me. But... he loved me, and wanted to be with me. And I was in love with being loved. And as stated here before, was sure that no one ever would want to marry me, so I better catch this guy quick before he came to his senses. So we got married.
9 years later we got divorced. For a myriad of reasons. One of them being I finally realized that I was worth more than the way I was being treated. And that love is all about actions and that the word "Love" itself holds very little meaning.
Another lady met a guy in college. They started dating, and soon graduation day was looming. It was just sort of expected that they would get married, and she started panicking - if she didn't get married now, clearly no one would marry her later, so she put pressure on him and he gave in. They got married. 5 years later they had a daughter. 5 years later they got divorced. The daughter was me. They divorced for a myriad of reasons. One of them being that they were both more in love with being "in love" than they were with each other. And they got married because... well... it was expected.
Another friend married her high school sweetheart - and got divorced 13 years later.
Mr. B married his ex knowing going in that it wasn't good, but he too thought no one else was going to want him, so he better take what he could get.
Gosh... where does all this come from? Where does the pressure to get married come from? Where does the message that if you're not married by the time you're 30, you might as well reserve yourself a single plot at the cemetery??? Where do we get the idea that at 20 years old we have ANY idea what love really looks like (NOT saying some people don't... but I think more don't than do)....
And more importantly - how do I keep this cycle from perpetuating with my girls? How do I make sure they know that a - know they are worth waiting for someone who treats them like princesses and b - that they have the capacity to treat someone like a prince? How do I make sure that they don't think "oh, I better grab this because nothing else might come along"?
I know I've talked about this before, but yet another friend has shared they are getting divorced... and for a myriad of reasons - one of which being... well... I think you can guess.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
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9 comments:
I am proof that it doesn't have to be that way. But, it could have been that way so easily for me too. I didn't marry the ones that were wrong, simply by God's grace. I gave a ring back, right on the spot, because the giver was obviously less than overjoyed. I wanted to marry the happiest man in the world. Oh that such a desire could live in the heart of every girl. I boarded a plane at 31 to a place very few people could have found on a map, knowing I would be gone for 2 years, and that perhaps, this would seal the deal on my being single forever. I learned that God is a VERY FAITHFUL keeper of dreams. But it is so hard to tell a young girl that. He is also a great redeemer who can overcome--no, really employ!-- even our biggest mistakes and make them beautiful. Great post.
I think the relationship you have with Mr. B is a great start. I also think as they get older and start to date and you can talk about feelings and how they should be treated and how others should be treated (when it comes to relationships) that will help. I think for a lot of people marriage was just the thing to do. Our grandparents did it, our parents did it and all at young ages.
My mother had me @ 17 and got married...because it was expected. 4 years later? Divorced. She met my stepdad, who I call my dad and they have been together ever since and have NEVER gotten married.
My bro got married last year at the age of 22. His wife is also 22. Her parents got married at around the same age and are still married.
For some it works, for others it doesn't and we all need to be told it's okay to wait!
I think the only way to 'teach' them what to do and what to expect is to be brutally honest. I tell my girls always that this is the God's honest truth .... love is not a fairy tale. Not every guy who comes into your life is that potential 'one'. There is no rush to get married, if ever. I was not raised that way. I was raised that the 'thing' to do is to get married and have babies. I tell mine to get a good education, a great job and be independent and take care of yourself first, then you will be ready for whatever comes next.
I said it before and I will say it again, Divorce SUCKS!
There are about 13.7 million single parents in the United States
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hmm.. well... I do believe that staying married has a LOT to do with both people being willing to work at staying married. Many days I wonder, why in the hell did I marry this guy? I'm sure there are days he thinks the same. But because we've decided we are NOT getting divorced, and also because we know that the other person is important, I think that has caused both of us to remember "for better or worse" really means both; it really means that when "worse" comes around, we can't bail.
I am NOT NOT NOT speaking about you or your friends or anyone else's divorce because I don't know circumstances and specifics and besides, getting a divorce doesn't make a person wrong or bad or anything. I actually think sometimes it's better if both people AREN'T on the same page about the importance of staying together.
I think I'm off topic here... I think my point is that, when we teach kids about love and marriage, I wonder how much we teach them about commitment? Do we tell them, you have to stick with this no matter what or else your vows are just lip service? Do we tell them, when you give your word it has to mean something? Do we tell them, make sure your mate is going to keep his word too because you don't want to be the only person bailing water from a sinking ship?
Love is the easy part. It's the sticking that's where people get tripped up. In my opinion. And I've never been divorced so maybe I should take my advice and shove it. I dunno.
I was raised by a single mother. Who went on to remarry twice before finally settling down with her fourth "husband" although they've never married. They've been together for going on 25 years. Marriage is a tricky thing.
I pray I can instill in my daughter the sense of self worth that she chooses the right man. Only time will tell, though.
I did the same thing. I have tried very hard to give my daughters a strong sense of self-worth. Right now at 9 and 15 they are very confident (sometimes I think I have created monsters! lol) but I think it's wonderful. Time will tell as far as the marriage situation goes though....
I think you have to show them. Expose them to what a GOOD, HEALTHY relationship looks like and they will stive for the same...or so I hope! That's what we are trying to do. I've been married 15 years and it's great. We are lucky and we work hard. We still genuinely LIKE each other (and we nauseate our friends! LOL!) Still, I think you are on the right track. Be honest with the girls and show them, with Mr. B, what a healthy relationship looks like. And make sure they know there is no rush!!
My parents have been married for 45 years -- long time for two people that should NEVER have gotten married. :) They make it work though, and admire that in them. My mother told me to wait until I was 30 to get married. She told ALL of us that. I got married at 33. My sister at 28. My brother at 29. My brother didn't fare so well, but my sister and I are doing okay.
Mom always said she wanted us to know ourselves and DO STUFF before we got married. I managed to do that. I hope we keep doing stuff. :)
I'm going to encourage Dominic to wait also -- go places, do things, have adventures. You can always get married in the end.
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