Ying... and Yang

13 years ago today I made the biggest mistake of my life. Maybe.

I got married.

To a man WAY older than me... who lied to me... who lied to others... who didn't really ever seem all that interested in what I wanted... and who didn't seem all that interested in what I could give.

But I married him anyways. Because I figured he was my one shot at happiness. I always wanted to be married, and to be a mom. But I didn't look like girls in a magazine. I didn't have a body that looked hot in a swimming suit. And my mom always said "Men don't marry fat women."

I'm not sure what makes me more sad. That she said it to me. Or that she believed it.

I married this dork I'd met on the Internet. I had stupid red-neck stuff at my reception just to make him happy. I don't think he even noticed. There was a point a couple weeks before we got married that I had serious 2nd thoughts. But I didn't want to make people mad since dresses and gifts and reception food had been purchased. So... I made myself believe it would get better.

I found the dress of my dreams. People I love dearly traveled long distances to share my special day. The weather was good (for Minnesota at the end of October). It really was the wedding I dreamed of as a little girl.

Here's my favorite part of the day. After the reception we were going to go stay in a bed and breakfast for the night. It was time to leave... people were lined up with birdseed. I couldn't find the groom. How hard is it to keep track of a Groom in a little church? Then he appeared. He had CHANGED HIS CLOTHES. Jeans and a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt. So we went running to the car... me in my dress... him in his Jean and Mickey Mouse Sweatshirt. We drove to the Bed and Breakfast, went in to register. You wanna guess what was going through the mind of the Inn Proprietor as we were standing there. Me in my wedding dress and him in his... Jeans and Mickey Mouse Sweatshirt.

It sure wasn't the marriage I dreamed of. I won't dredge up all that mud. It's over now.

Let's think of the good things...

Well, DUH - Gert & Essie. I wouldn't have them. And that would make life boring. And quiet. And dull. And I don't think the sun would shine as brightly as it does and I don't think I would know the true sound of delight and I don't think I would know how to get to the Big River because I would have never watched Dora, and never known that I needed to go past Friendly Forest and Happy Hill to get there.

My step-mom wasn't going to come to my wedding. She didn't want it to be "uncomfortable". I wasn't down with that. Actually... I kinda pitched a fit. She'd been my Julie since I was 5, and I wanted her there. So she came with my dad, and my sister. And things were fine. And after the wedding and reception were over, and Mr. Mickey Mouse Sweatshirt and I had taken off, they all stayed to help clean up. And ice melted. And hearts started healing. And my mom and step-mom started a friendship. A beautiful one that to this day means that when my kids have a birthday, they don't have to worry about whether or not Grandma & Grandpa or Mimi should be there. They can all be there. And we can even all go on vacations together... and it's all good.

If I hadn't married him, I would have never lived in Tennessee or California. Those were great places and I met wonderful people.

And then there's the biggy. If I hadn't married him, I wouldn't appreciate all that Mr. B has brought into my life. If you never see ugly, you don't truly understand beauty. Coke tastes good, but it tastes even BETTER if you've just tasted a Beverly (Those of you who've been to World of Coca-Cola will get that). I wouldn't realize that Mr. B treats me like a Princess. Cinderella after... not Cinderella before.

So... it's a weird day. Do I rejoice? Cry?

I think I'll let it all go, and be REALLY thankful that whatever needed to happen, happened, so that I would be where I am today.