Somewhere between that first day of college and my last, Al Gore invented the internet, and the world as we knew it would never be again. Google arrived and pretty much, if you can type it, you can find it.
With the internet came "chat rooms" and "social networking"... places where you could meet people you never would have previously, and you can get to know more about them than you do about your own family. Well... you can learn what they tell you. You're at the mercy of their honesty.
I met my ex husband online. Let me preface all this by saying that I was overweight almost all my life, and my mom and some other influential people had pretty much drilled into my brain that men don't want to marry fat girls. All I really wanted in the world was to be married and have kids, and apparently that dream wasn't one for me. And life had so far pretty much proved them right. I was always the "Jolly best friend" to guys... but never someone they were interested in.
Then, as I said, I found the online world. A world where people got to know ME before they saw me. Where my wit and intelligence had a chance to beat out my size. I "met" various guys, but none of them were really "it". Then I met "HillBilly"... I was 23, he was 28 and a law student from Tennessee. We started talking online for house (e-mails, back and forth - pre IM).. then we started talking on the phone. He sounded a little older than 28, but I chalked it up to his accent. He was so nice and said such nice things. Told me about his family and his house he was buying.... then about 3 weeks after we started talking, he called me late one night to tell me that he wasn't really 28, he was 35, and he wasn't really a law student, he worked in a factory. Now, dear readers, should you ever find yourself in this position, EVER, this is where you RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I didn't. He said he was so sorry, that he didn't realize he was going to develop feelings for me and... well... I forgave him and moved on. To make a long STUPID story short, he romanced me from afar, and i fell "in love." He came to visit me 3 months after we met. He looked older than I thought, but had a story about being outside all the time and loosing a lot of weight so he had wrinkles. And... stupid me... i bought it. And that weekend, we agreed to get married. No proposal mind you.. .just an agreement.
A couple months later I went to see him in Tennessee. That's when I found out that he wasn't 35... he was 47. Again, dear readers, should you find yourself in THIS outlandishly STUPID position, RUN RUN RUN. But... I agreed to marry him, and he was obviously the only person who would ever want to marry me, so I over looked it... all... and 3 months later married him.
I was with him for 10 years. And over that time uncovered lies. Lie after lie after lie. I watched him lie to our friends, to our families, to our kids... to me.
As you know... for a multitude of reasons, our marriage ended. I realize now, of course, that from the start I didn't know the real him. I took what he put out there online at face value, and I was wrong.
How I wish I could say that was the last time I was taken in by someone online. But it's not. I was on message boards with Mommy's and found out over time that some of them were QUITE less than honest. I've been sucked in by bloggers with tragic stories, only to find out later that it was all a lie.
So how do you do it? How do you read blogs and message boards and the like and let your heart get sucked into stories and yet protect yourself from getting emotionally attached to something that may or may not be true?
Any ideas?
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29 comments:
Oh, it breaks my heart to know that one of the greatest people I've ever known has been hurt repeatedly by those online. I hope that now you know what a wonderful person you have always been!! As far as protecting yourself, I hate to say it, but you have to be somewhat cynical nowdays. There are so many people out there just looking for attention. Just use your intuition and rely on your true friends! :)
I am so sorry you were put in that position by deceitful people. I am cynical when I'm online ... but not enough, I don't think. I'd never give money or anything, but I still think I could be sucked in: maybe I could be made to cry by reading a tragic story that wasn't true. Still, that could also happen in real life. It's just easier to dupe someone online I think.
I know the hillbilly story...and it still breaks my heart to see it again.
And the way that I rationalize the other...is that I am trying to be a good person. To help someone I believe is in need. My heart is in the right place. And if that other person is writing a lie...well...there is always karma.
It sucks to be deceived. Period.
We have all been there, although your Hillbilly story takes the cake, I think.
I am a bit cynical of some stories (balloon boy? I fell for that for about five minutes, then suspected something was up when I heard the parents had been on reality TV).
As far as blogger friends? I have to say that I am pretty trusting. If they are lying, it's on them. I won't be sending any money, that's for sure. Who knows what plastic surgery it will used for?
I agree with Kat. If your intentions are good, then it is their cross to carry if they lie.
You know, I never really thought that much about the possibility of deception when I started blogging--which is the first social thing I've ever done online. The first "story"--and probably the last--that I ever followed was Nate and Tricia at CF Husband. He had so many pictures, that obviously, he was for real. I guess I'm just not that big on drama. I'm big on caring, but not with my checkbook--we support people we know with that. The thing that I suppose saves me is that I'm not comfortable in a crowd. If someone regularly gets more than about 20 comments on a post, and they never visit me back, I'm pretty likely to lose all interest.
I'm sorry that people have hurt you with lies, but I'm not sure how to stop trusting people. I take people at face value and expect that they are NOT lying to me. I've been burnt enough to know that the first lie I find is not the first lie ever. And Kat is right -- karma can be a great equalizer...someday.
Oh yeah....RUN!
I get sucked in everytime too....but I can't change who I am and frankly don't want to. I am trusting and I believe the best in people....and if I get suckered by someone, it will only happen once with that person. But the next person may be perfectly legit, and that is what I go with. My heart's in the right place...I can't control theirs. I go with my instinct, sometimes good sometimes bad...oh well.......
I don't know the answer. People do this in real life too, its just easier online. I guess you just have to take everything with a grain of salt.
Sad but true.
I am so sorry to hear your hillbilly story. I feel especially bad for your beauties. You all three deserve much better than that.
As for getting sucked in, I am a bit of a cynic. I feel badly for people who have stories. And like Jane said, I will send my prayers and hugs that way. To all of them. To each sad story that I read. However, I do not send money, do not participate in any on-line fundraising requests. I also believe that there are some legit needs out there. But, I simply cannot make myself donate on line.
Lizzy
Liked this post for many reasons! Thanks for sharing your story!
HMMM as for your question...not sure how to answer that but it is intresting that you wrote this post. I sort of had some feelings along this same line about a blogger I use to follow..now I wonder if they were truthfull about some things. HMMM it does make you wonder sometimes. I guess I always like to see the good in people though.
HUGS to you and Happy New Year. I know it will be a great one for you and the LADIES!!!
Yep, I'm a sucker too. Just my nature to bond with people. I guess you've just got to trust your gut. Sounds like you're wiser b/c of the past and I'll bet your gut/heart will send signals now.
My best friend in jr high was duped like you. That was when chat rooms were BRAND new. She fell for a "14 year old boy". As soon as things started getting more serious his "sister" informed my friend that he had "died". My friend was devestated and wanted to come to the funeral. Things started getting fishy and we all started investigating. Come to find out, "he" (and "sister") was a 40 year old man. And you know what....my friend forgave him and became involved with him! Ugghhhh...Thank goodness it ended over time, but just know, you are NOT the only one.
In my experience, it is those that are most effusive with declarations of love and over the top praise that are the least genuine. This holds true in both the real world and the online one. Which doesn't mean I shut everyone out, but I'm not quick to invest myself emotionally in people. I probably miss out on some great relationships, but I take comfort in thinking I save myself a little hurt, too.
I'm sorry you had to fall for such a d*ckhead. But good things are coming your way, my friend. :)
Wow, your hillbilly story breaks my heart! I'm less than amused that he resides in my home state. :-(
As to the other, well, I'm also going with Kat's view on things. If our hearts are in the right place, then the misdeeds of liars will come back to visit them at some point in time. Just be happy knowing that you are still a good person with a big heart for helping others!
I don't offer up anything I can't afford to lose, ie, any donations I have sent are not extravagant. And I rely on other's opinions but then when we are all duped...well it goes without saying that karma will get those in the end. At least I felt good about helping someone, even if it was short lived.
Hillbilly is a heartbreaking story b/c no matter your pants size you deserved (AND STILL DESERVE) better than that.
I'd like to think that your Mr. B is righting that giant wrong & showing you how it feels to be treated like you should. :)
{HUG} my friend...I don't know how to do it, but I've been much more cynical.
I'm flabbergasted at what he did...the lies...oh my. You so deserve so much better than that, and I'm sooo thankful Mr. B is so much better than that. :)
{HUG}
We need to chat again soon...I think I'm out from under my overwhelming things right now...maybe? Looks like travel will be late June-July now (new step added...of course). :) I'm hoping that's GOOD news for someone. ;)
been there and felt foolish. but you my dear should not change who you are. Should you be a little more guarded?Sure. but I suspect you've learned a lot from your past. Don't let those types of people make you cynical. Then they win. Love you B!!
Life sometimes is full of lemons. You just have to make the most of it but most of all remember to stay true to yourself. I have been deceived more than once online.
What goes around comes around.
I think it is a crap shoot. You do have to be so very careful. It is a shame people do take advantage of vulnerable people, but it happens and it will continue to happen.
Just be careful, very careful.
Now, if Gina and Tricia posts also, remember we are all three different people:)
I guess all if have to say is this. People have lied directly to my face more times than I can count. I've fallen for many of their lines and been hurt too. What's sad is, they are losing out on a very special friend by betraying people like you and I and so many others. What's even worse is I have become so jaded by others lies that I have a hard time believing people who are being honest. I guess it's important to "Go with our guts" more often than not they're not wrong. I'm sorry to hear how badly you've been hurt Lizzy. I really really am!
I hate that you have been hurt by such a terrible person. I won't even dignify him by calling him a "man". I am pretty sure he doesn't even fit in that category.
I do know that despite the hurt, you have been "refined by the fire" and come out shining like a light! You are one incredible and amazing person with two beautiful girls.
I read them, pray for them and move on.....I do NOT get sucked in. I comment on occasion but can't take on peoples problems. Tough Love maybe, cold heart, not at all. I care for those hurting or struggling and have compassion for many, but I can't take them on. I love them from afar and pray for them
Well, I'm the first to admit I'm pretty naive in that regard. I've been suckered insofar as believing the pleas and cries of a new, young mother regarding her sickly child. She was not a new OR young mom, and her child had none of the ailments she claimed he had. It was a sobering experience.
That being said, I want to believe the best in people, and, to that end, I do. I am who I say I am...both on my blog and my twitter acct. Again, I may be naive, but it's not in my nature to be so cynical.
I'm sorry you were hurt, but you have two wonderful young ladies, which make it worth the pain.
Oh, I had no idea! How awful. I admit, I am naive about what I read online. I put it out there as it is...and just expect everyone else to do the same. I am sure it is quite a wake-up call to find out not everyone is as honest as you think.
Oh Lizzy...I knew it was a sad story but I had no idea how sad...as for your questionl...honestly, I have no idea because I always expect the best from people...sadly, I have been burnt too but try to chalk it up to a life lesson I was supposed to learn. I would rather expect the best and remain positive then always think people are being untrue...I am so happy that you have found Mr. B!
They don't say "karma's a bitch" for nothing...
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I'm mad that your family made you feel so unloveable that when your gut was telling you to RUN, your head was telling you BUT HE'S MY ONLY CHANCE.
I can sympathize completely. I was overweight (a size 14) so I was made to feel less-than by my family. My first relationship in college was abusive, but I stayed because I thought he was my "only chance" too. So, so sad. I will NEVER do that to my daughters!!!
But back to the lying online...it happens. If a blogger wants to lie about themselves, ultimately THEY are the ones missing out. Blogs--and Mommy blogs especially--are a community. Lie to the community, and you're not really a part of it. You're just sitting on the outside, looking in.
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